My Current Health Routine (+ my honest reflection on weight loss)
I get asked a LOT by others what I’M specifically doing for my health to get the results I have. It’s a long answer. It comes with all the nuanced thoughts, reflections, and judgments around weight loss + body image + dialogues in general around health.
I’ll give my short answer, in list form, at the end which will be SPECIFICALLY what I’m doing right now for my health, but first — the long answer:
I just love myself stacked with muscle 🤌
My health journey is ever-changing.
There are times I’m looking to change the actual shape of my body and times I’m not.
There are times my focus isn’t on my body, but rather my spirit and emotional health.
There are times my focus is on the people around me rather than myself.
My health journey is not linear so when I say “here’s what’s working for me!!” what I mean is “here’s what’s currently supporting the way I want to experience my life in this specific season!”
I’m always aiming to feel really, really good and what feels good for me is allowed to be different from what feels good for YOU.
For the very first time in my life my biggest focus is on weight loss.
Specifically fat loss.
This has felt contradictory as someone who’s avoided posting almost at all about this specific topic and who has been called out for posting before-and-after’s of body’s changing sizes. It’s a sticky conversation, one I’m happy to have 1:1, and one I’ve listened to (I understand celebrating weight loss as it contributes to societies surface level norms).
It’s been an odd journey after so many years of telling people they don’t need to SHRINK in order to feel good (and I still stand by that - you most certainly DON’T need to).
It’s been an odd mental journey for me to quietly explore my mind and all the thoughts and feelings that came with being in a larger body for the first time after spending my whole life benefitting from thin privilege.
To be honest, when I was thin I would shy away from eating whole foods and I made it a point to celebrate and show when I’d eat a bunch of cake or ice cream SOLELY because of my own fear around perpetuating harmful dialogues around diet culture, body shaming, and weight loss.
For periods of time, it felt like the only way to NOT contribute to the toxic parts the wellness industry was to openly defy them, which also meant treating my body in a way that didn’t actually feel great.
Anyway.
I gained 65+lbs in pregnancy and it hung around post birth. I was not one of those women who automatically went back to my original size, even when I was working out consistently.
Initially, I thought, “this IS my new body. I can learn to love it. I don’t have to lose weight. I’m a woman. A mother. This is how I’m built now.” but trying on thoughts like those came to a halt every time I did….anything.
Walking hurt my feet and ankles. I couldn’t jump. I dreaded getting on the floor with my baby and then back up again. I couldn’t run or pull myself up anymore. I couldn’t wear dresses without painful chafing. My energy was low. I needed a new wardrobe and clothes are expensive. But mostly…
I didn’t feel like ME.
So while I was GREAT at practicing body neutrality, I was also aching to strengthen my body, put in the work to get it back to it’s pain-free fit-as-fuck state it had been in pre-baby, and lose some weight.
I DID and DO love my body in all its stages annnnnnd I have an idea of what size it is when I feel the best in it.
For me, body neutrality meant I was actively choosing to enjoy my life and my baby and my marriage no matter what my body looked or felt like. I nailed that part. If I was being honest, I didn’t LOVE my body. I wasn’t looking in the mirror every day feeling hot, which I understand is a mix of societal standards, the aches and pains I had, and a general re-learning since I have historically always been smaller. My body was entirely new to me down to every last detail. My skin was stretched and marked, my shape was different, the function of my body was different (hello 17 months of breastfeeding!!), I was riddled with pain from my feet, hips, back, neck.
I didn’t want to suffer through such a quick, sweet time as a new mom, and doing that meant ACTIVELY choosing joy no matter what my body was up to.
This also meant actively NAMING my body neutrality and making the conscious decision to let my body be as it was, knowing I could get more comfortable over time as I settled into my new identity and role and humanness.
I didn’t want to feel wrong for lacking love and I certainly didn’t want it to mean I had to HATE my body. Neutrality felt natural and easy: This IS my body and I’m going to enjoy my life while I’m in it.
I knew I could put in the work to make my desired changes any time I wanted to. I eased back into movement post birth and hernia surgery. If you’ve been with me for awhile you saw me doing my 15-minute basement workouts for months and months and months.
I still took so many happy, confident photos and videos of myself throughout my journey. I still experienced joy. I have always been grateful for what my body has been able to help me achieve and experience!
I focused on building strength for two years.
“I’ll get strong as hell and whatever my body does in response to that will be perfect.”
I lifted heavy again. Got back to squatting over 200lbs (BLESS). Got my pull ups back!!! Slowly started jumping again. Felt the sharp and dull pains dissipate from my feet, ankles, back.
This was when I started to realize how taboo it is to mention weight loss. As a trainer I didn’t want to tell anyone out loud, especially not while wearing my trainer hat. My avoidance of the topic made me acutely aware of how many women out there were also tip-toeing around their own desires to lose weight. I was having conversations with women, especially new clients, almost daily. And they always said they wanted to lose weight without ever directly saying it, as if saying it in a clear statement would mean they were inherently disordered and part of the larger problem.
When I asked, “what is it you’d like to achieve in 3 focused months together?” they’d answer with a list of empowering goals: more strength! more confidence! I want to be able to hike with my friends! Less knee pain! I want to be strong for my kids!” and juuuuuust before closing out the goals conversation almost every. single. woman. would add: "and if I lost a few pounds that would be great too! it’s not my focus but I’d be happy!”
Thereeeeeeee it is.
I know, I’ve been feeling that way too.
Perhaps feeling that way and having those thoughts is a good sign. A way to stay aware of what’s REALLY important. A way to stay grounded in the deeper concepts of life without becoming someone who’s obsessed with weight loss. A way to make sure we aren’t closing out the conversations about society’s norms and how we treat women. I’m here for that. Truly. I too wish body size wasn’t a thing. And it pisses me off when we make women WRONG for NOT wanting to get smaller.
AND…here’s the thing…
We have bodies.
They fluctuate.
With those fluctuations our entire experience fluctuates too.
And health IS impacted.
For ME personally, gaining 65+lbs and becoming riddled with pain and feeling far from the me I was before was not tolerable. I had to take medication for high blood pressure during this time, which was NEVER on my horizon prior to pregnancy.
In no reality would any of this have served my ability to enjoy this random, precious, one-time life I get to have on this random, floating, abundant planet WITH EASE. No.
I will experience MY life in a body that CAN hike, swim, climb trees, dance hard, get on the ground and back up again, sprint, jump, lift, twirl my daughter, be pain free, look in the mirror and think, “oh hell yeah.”
In order to have all that, I need to get strong and lose weight.
Maybe that’s your reality too.
Maybe not!!!!
Neither is right or wrong.
Maybe you THINK it’s what you need but when you lose the weight you won’t feel different and you’ll know then that it wasn’t what you needed and you can pivot and re-focus because that’s one of the greatest gifts we get as humans — we get to change our minds and habits and lifestyles and experiences.
SO — when I give you all the details of my current health practices and how my current focus is on fat loss I want you to know it did not come without years of deep reflection. I sat with my bigger body and loved her so so much for what that version of me was able to do and give and experience. AND. I exited that season of my life with grace and readiness to come home to the version of me that DOES in fact thrive in a smaller body.
It’s okay if that isn’t your truth.
It’s mine.
My mental, emotional, and physical health is better within a specific weight range and that range didn’t ARRIVE naturally for me. I had to make actual changes to my diet, exercise, and emotional wellbeing to achieve it. I’ve had to be intentional about my decisions. And I don’t accept the idea that I am inherently disordered or wrong for it.
my current health habits:
Lifting heavy: I’m lifting 2-3X a week and putting a much bigger emphasis on getting in DAILY movement around those lifts. This is usually 30-40 minutes on my walking pad, a big walk outside with my daughter, or hopping on my peloton for a low intensity scenic ride. I’ve been more rigid about putting in MORE time for movement with LESS intensity. The lifts I’m focusing on most: squats and pull ups. Lifts I’m excited to expand on: Weighted squat jumps, box jumps, and more core!
Calorie deficit (15%): For the first time in my life I hired a nutritionist to help me figure out EXACTLY how to lose fat. I worked with Danielle Havens and she was exceptional at calculating my macros based on my current weight, where I want to be, what my level of activity is, and how I’m managing my every day (stress, sleep, etc). She taught me how to track my food with a B+ mentality (meaning.. NOT perfect!). I was so intimidated by tracking my food and worried if it would make me disordered but it has been surprisingly…freeing?! I like structure and clear directions so tracking my food has actually made meals VERY straightforward. No guessing and winging it. Just clear, concise expectations with the GUARANTEE of results?! Yes, please.
Spiritual practice: I’ve always been triggered by the idea of religion and I cringed when I heard the word “God.” However, I’ve always had this deep, magical sense that there IS more out there. There must be. This is too random and perfect. Since becoming a mother all my wander for this life expanded even more and I was feeling more spiritual. The only places I know to go to when that feeling grows is church, but I’m not aligned with that variation of connection to our world and everything greater than it.
MEET KISHORI GOPI. The spiritual mentor I’ve had the honor of working with lately. She is such a beautiful soul. She has her practice and devotion and, while she will teach that to anyone and shares about it daily, she is NOT trying to convert. My work with her feels soooo custom to ME. She’s always encouraging me to use the words that resonate with me most. She says God but I say Universe or Spirit because that’s what resonates. She practices her devotion in ways very different from the way I’m practicing and the way shes helping me practice. It’s like a dream mentor. Someone with alllllll the wisdom and NONE of the conversion agendas. Just pure love and support. Since working with her I’ve developed a daily meditation practice (LIKE WHO AM I?!?!?!), a more confident claim to who I am as a spirit living my human life, a more thorough understanding of my emotions and how I’m navigating my life, AND I’ve tapped into parts of my mind I never thought possible. It’s wild stuff. More on that another time…maybe. ANYWAY —I think this spiritual deep-dive has been pivotal to my health in that I’m sleeping deeper, I’m able to navigate hard days with slightly more CALM, and I feel fulfilled. My nervous system is thriving. This is saying a lot as a full time stay at home mom to a 2.5 year old who’s emotions are a constant tornado.Isolation: I know I know - WHAT? I’m an empathetic person and I crave deep connections with the people in my life. I have a few close friends, a whole child, a husband, and a dog. Add on my professional container where I have the privilege of holding space for women looking to learn about strength training and I am GIVING A LOT. It it energizing and soul filling. Not a day goes by where I’m unaware of how lucky I am to be living THIS life with an oddly perfect balance of work, motherhood, and friendship.
HOWEVER, I am an introvert (Surprising, right?). I can be in groups and speak publicly and give give give but ONLY if I’m getting ample alone time. I thrive on being alone. I love my solitary spaces. This is why meditation comes so easily. 30 minutes of sitting still looking at nothing-in-particular?! YES PLEASE. Unlike many go-getters, I do not struggle with rest. I do not sit quietly and think about how I should be productive. I can stare at a wall for an hour and it will feel like ten minutes. No exaggeration. SO, part of my health journey right now is seeking out times in my day to be STILL. And ALONE. When I get this time I have a little window where I’m not considering so many others. I’m not trying to forecast and predict what other people need or think and want. I’m not reading facial expressions and feeling energy. I just am. And THAT’S important for me as a service-oriented, people-loving, empathetic mama who values self-care too.Alcohol free for almost a YEAR now: I didn’t expect this one. But I had a slow falling-out with alcohol last year and I didn’t really know it was happening until my husband pointed out that I always made HIM finish my glass of wine. It felt odd because I was excited for a drink! I looked forward to it! I wanted a drink if my day was horrible and I wanted one if the day was particularly great, sunny, celeberatory. I wanted one if we were socializing. And I felt weird saying no if someone offered me a drink.
But then I never wanted to finish my beer or wine or cocktail. I started drinking way less which meant I became more sensitive to alcohol when I did engage. This sensitivity was horrible as a stay at home mom. Being tired or groggy or even hungover with my toddler didn’t feel good for me. I felt ashamed of myself any time I was hungover and my daughter had to have a slow day with me because of it. Usually my patience was dwindling on these days too. It just wasn’t the kind of mom I liked being. Plus, my body was literally screaming at me. I was getting canker sores when I drank?? There’s probably a reason for this. I didn’t look into it but I knew I hated it and it only happened with alcohol, Alllllllll these little things added up and then my husband pointed out how I never finish my drinks and one night I claimed, “I don’t drink anymore!” and I haven’t had a single drink since.
I wouldn’t have given up alcohol if I didnt feel it deeeeeeep in my soul. I actually really enjoyed drinking for most of my adult life up until recently! And I never had problems with my drinking. It worked out really nice that I gave it up with a KNOWING it was time. It’s been such an easy decision. Am I fully sober? No 😏 I still love my weed-gummies at night. And I do a 🍄 woods walk 1-2x a year with my best friend. So it’s not really about anything other than listening to my body on a daily basis!
This is not meant to be a sign that “shrinking” is best. In fact, I’ll be aiming to eat a smidge more soon with a big focus on stacking on muscle. I’ll update you all on that soon too! I think I look great in ALL of these photos ❤️
